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Should we encourage a Rewards-based system in Education?
This student shows that he understands both the advantages and disadvantages that a Rewards-based system poses, specifically in the context of education. The student also shows that he is capable of weighing between the pros and the cons of a rewards-based system in the concluding paragraph, which is an impressive show of maturity at the Sec 1 level.
While the writing is generally clear and sound, the introduction and body paragraph #3 could afford to be more coherent. More contextualization and engagement with the essay question should be done at the introduction, and the examples stated in the body paragraphs could be phrased with more precision and specificity.
Modal verbs such as “could” or “might” could be used to describe hypothetical situations, rather than “will” or “would”, as the student does not have full certainty that these events would occur in the exact way they imagine. The student should also be more careful with his choice of transition words – the use of “however” rather than “secondly” at the beginning of body paragraph #2 would signal his shift in argument more clearly.